


you get my love

by superglasspiano



Series: something about love, regret, and maybe forgiveness [6]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Based on a song, But there’s a cute part in the middle :), Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Oops, angsty word vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-14 08:27:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16909554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superglasspiano/pseuds/superglasspiano
Summary: While you were sleeping, I decided to lay it outEvery bad reason, all of my pointless doubtsWhere I went wrongI whispered the ways I’m ashamed of myself





	you get my love

**Author's Note:**

> Seriously, if you’re here for fluff (and half-decent writing) skip to the middle section. The rest is angsty word vomit, especially the first bit :)

Adam can’t sleep; thoughts swirl in his mind, keeping him awake, wishing if not for sleep then at least to just be able to appreciate this moment—he spent months, years, hoping to be right here again someday. Now happening, and all he can think of is what he’s done wrong. Takashi’s breathing is steady beside him and all he wants is to be happy. 

But no. Instead, words fly through his head. All the things he spent years not saying, thinking there’d be time someday; everything he regretted almost before he said. He sighs loudly in the darkness and Takashi doesn’t stir.  _ So he’s actually asleep. Lucky. Lord knows he needs it.  _

After so many years of silence, the sound of another person—who is he kidding,  _ the  _ other person, the only one he wants here—is something of a relief. But there are some things he needs to get off his chest. He takes a deep breath and quietly starts talking.

“Takashi,” he whispers, “I’m sorry. I don’t think I ever meant to walk away. I was scared. I’ve always been scared, and I guess I let it get the best of me. I….thought maybe you’d stay. I don’t know why. You never were going to, and I….I never should have tried to stop you, not like that. I meant to tell you I care, not that I didn’t. I was there at the launch, in the back—I was hiding from you when I should have been saying goodbye. I regretted that for the longest time, you know, not seeing you again when I had the chance. And when you disappeared way out there and there was nothing I could do….They told me you were dead. And I believed them. Like some sort of idiot, they told me you were gone and yeah it hurt but I just….accepted it. Keith didn’t, you know. He kept telling me not to give up, and I didn’t listen. I….guess it would’ve been ok if I did. But you get it, right, why I couldn’t hope? Why I couldn’t let myself think  _ but what if he’s still out there? _ Because if you weren’t….there was nothing I could do. Or maybe there was and I just didn’t look hard enough, didn’t try. I could have at least tried. I should have. But I didn’t, and that was that….until you came back; they said someone came back, I saw the ship crash—it was an escape pod, wasn’t it?—and it wasn’t like anything I’d seen before and I want to say I tried to get closer, and maybe I did, but not close enough, I didn’t try hard enough. And I wondered who it was who crash-landed there (I think a part of me knew it was you). I wondered what would’ve happened if I’d gotten closer sooner, what I would’ve seen, if I’d be disappeared too. I wanted so bad to know what happened that night, but it’s not like anyone would tell me, so I just  _ wondered _ . I thought about it too much, I think, convinced myself it was nothing, and still I thought it was something but I ignored it because what could I do? Either way, there was  _ nothing  _ I could do. It was hard, Takashi, it was really hard. And I know you went through so much worse out there—I feel like I have no right to complain, not to you, when you’re right there and I just want to enjoy this. I do, promise. 

“You know, it was the weirdest feeling when Sam came back. Colleen was in such a state, too, and I don’t blame her. I was thinking what it’d be like if you were the one standing  _ right there _ and no one was allowed to know—I figured I’d be ok with it; at least you’d be there. And he was talking about space, about the universe, about everything you’d seen, and I get that it was bad but in the moment all I could think was how much I knew you’d love it—parts of it, at least. And  _ you were alive _ . That’s really what I was thinking, because Sam said that you were coming home and I believed him. Then there were the videos, and I saw you and you looked so different but you were  _ there _ , living, breathing,  _ alive _ , and you were talking to me. I didn’t think I deserved it, but there you were, and it’s not like I could ever turn it down. I guess you could say I had hope. 

“Not that it lasted for long, really. I mean, there were years and maybe that counts as long enough, but every day there was this threat that we knew was coming but not everyone believed it. So it was just watching and waiting and trying to get ready for if (that was the official statement) something came. Until it did, and I was ready to fight it. I never realized just how much I care about this place until it was under attack and I had to be the one fighting for it. I heard Sam say it would never work, that we were all going to die, and I was ready, if that’s what it took. For there to be a home left for everyone else (for you, if you ever replied, ever came back). And—god, they’re all dead, aren’t they? I shouldn’t have survived but I did. How? Why am I here? Why—I just want to be happy, is that too much? Is it too much…?” He trails off, tears running down his face, wondering why in hell any of this happened. “I just….” He takes a breath and whispers one last thing. “So I guess….now you know.” It’s not everything, not really—there’s always going to be more, another thing he fucked up somewhere along the way, but that’s the basics, for now. 

He doesn’t know whether or not to hope Takashi heard any of it.

“Were you….talking last night?” Takashi asks, sitting at the table with both hands wrapped around a cup of coffee. 

Adam freezes on his way from the fridge to the stove. “Um….I guess, yeah.” He breathes for a moment before cracking an egg into the pan. “Why?”

“I just….thought I heard something.”

“Yeah, that was probably me,” Adam sighs. “How do you want your eggs?” Topic change like a BOSS! He’s pretty sure silent congratulations are in order.

At least until Takashi gets up from the table. “Here, let me help with that.”

“No!”

“Why not?” The poor man looks like a kicked puppy.

“Because you’ll burn the place down.”

“I will not!”

“Suuure.” Adam laughs and stretches his hand above his head as Takashi, also laughing, makes a grab for the flipper. They dance around each other for a minute in an impromptu game of keep-away; it takes Adam too long to notice the (slightly suspicious) absence of Takashi’s floating arm. By the time he does, it’s already too late:

“Got it!” Takashi waves the flipper around before starting toward the pan. Adam laughs and moves to intercept him.

“Takashi, no.”

“Takashi yes.” He grins and stirs the eggs around the pan a grand total of once.

Adam holds his breath and waits for something to explode. Nothing does. “It’s a miracle,” he says.

“Ok, I’ve helped.” Takashi hands over the flipper and leans against the counter. “Your turn.”

“Thanks.” Adam turns back to the stove. Lo and behold, the eggs aren’t even wrecked. “I hope scrambled is ok with you.”

“I think I’ll get by.” 

“Good.” They stand in companionable silence, the only sound the sizzling of the eggs in the pan. After another minute or so, Adam dumps the eggs onto plates and spins to face Takashi. “Bon appetit.”

Takashi takes a plate. “Smells good.”

Adam smiles and walks to the table. “I love you,” he says suddenly.

Takashi looks up, confused, but not unhappy. “I love you too.” He doesn’t ask the question in his eyes, something along the lines of  _ why are you saying this right now? _

Adam answers it anyway. “I just wanted you to know.”

“Ok.” Takashi nods. “I know.” He reaches across the table and grabs Adam’s hand. “I know,” he whispers again.

_ How much?  _ Adam wonders, though he tries to ignore the question in favour of focusing on the feel of their joined hands. Still, it echoes in his head:  _ how much do you know? _

 

Adam was talking last night, Shiro is sure of it. He’s not sure what he was saying, not entirely, but there was a familiar voice in his dreams that pushed them in directions he hadn’t been before. And….they weren’t nightmares, as they too often are. They weren’t pleasant dreams, but they weren’t wake-up-screaming-and/or-shaking either. There was mostly just a feeling of….regret. Of things left unsaid for too long. He wonders what it was Adam was saying.

And he gets to thinking that he might have a few things of his own to whisper in the night.

Laying there, letting the soft sound of Adam’s breathing steady him, it feels like there’s nothing else in the world but getting the words out there. He sighs. “Guess it’s my turn….

“You know I died, right? This isn’t really my body, it’s a clone….and….I don’t know. That’s a thing that happened. I was replaced by a clone for a year and no one noticed. And, yeah, that might’ve been the weirdest thing that happened out there, but not by much. I saw so many things, and it was wonderful—better than I ever dreamed it would be—but there was a lot of bad, too. There were a lot of times I didn’t know what was gonna happen or how any one of us could survive out there….I don’t know if I ever thought we’d come home. There’s so much out there, so much I can’t explain, don’t know if I want to—and it’s not over yet, is it? It’s not over….it’s never going to be over now. The whole universe knows we’re here—we’ll have to become part of it. No more safe bubble for anyone. I mean, a lot of them have known about earth objectively for a long time, but they never bothered anyone. Then they did and everything went crazy

“I had to take them into battle. They’re just kids, and they had to fight. And still somehow we all survived and made it home, and what do you know that bastard Sendak’s here and you’re dead and no one has any idea what they’re up against and—”

“Hey,” Adam mutters sleepily, reaching an arm out in the dark, “it’s ok. C’mere.” He pulls Takashi closer to him and whispers in his ear, “You’re alive. I’m alive. We’re safe. It’s ok.”

“I think I heard you last night. I wasn’t awake, but you were….in my dreams? Telling me everything, and I….” he trails off, maybe holding in a sob

“Shh, it’s ok. What happened?”

Takashi doesn’t say anything, just holds tighter, shaking against Adam’s chest. “It wasn’t a bad dream,” he breathes after a minute. “I don’t know why I’m like this. I should be ok. I should—“

“You don’t have to be ok.”

“What?”

“You don’t have to be ok. It’s ok if you’re not ok. The things you’ve seen….”

“I have to try.”

“Then try. But don’t worry if it takes a while to get there. And….”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t be afraid to ask for help. I’ll always be here.”  _ Because I wasn’t once _ .

Takashi nods. “Thanks.” Pause. Then, “If you ever want to….talk about things….”

Adam smiles. “Someday.” It’s a promise: someday we’ll go back through everything that’s happened, all the things we haven’t forgiven ourselves for, and it might be alright. Someday. 

But for tonight they’ll sleep curled up in each other’s arms. Together. And for tonight that’s enough. 

**Author's Note:**

> What do you think?


End file.
